Thursday, April 2, 2009

Holy Crap! Jay Cutler!

I woke up this morning (morning here in Japan, and around 6 AM JST~ish) to find out the Bears traded for Jay Cutler. Now, living overseas, I don't follow the NFL all too much since there are tons of other interesting things to do (get drunk at an izakaiya, get drunk during 花見, get drunk at a 横浜ベイスターズの野球 game, get drunk at the Beer Museum at 恵比寿 and etc etc...I kid, I kid) in Japan. Actually, the only reason I know anything about the NFL since 2005 is that the bulk of the games are played on TV (AFN mind you) between 3 and 11 AM JST.

Mind you, I don't love the NFL (or my hometown Bears) that much to wake up at 3 AM to watch a football game. If I were to wake up at 3 AM, it would be to throw my surf rack on my roof, strap on my longboard, pack up my mini shower, wet suit, booties, rash guard, surf wax, sun block and flip flops and to drive somewhere in Shonan to find decent waves...not to watch American football. To be honest, Futball, soccer, whatever you call it is much more interesting to me..and is the only organized sport that I can and actually enjoy playing (on defense...I don't have the speed or stamina to be a striker or a back) and watching.

Back on track, to the Bears' acquisition of Jay Cutler. The name sounded familiar and everyone seemed pretty excited (my friends from my old region who reside via Facebook) about this news. I figured to join in on the excitement out of the inner homer in me, wanting to support my local team before the moment passed and I began questioning the validity of paying athletes millions of dollars to play a silly game while people who actually contribute to society (not your typical cluebird musicians, not your typical cluebird actors/actresses, not your typical cluebird celebrities. Cluebird=one who has no real experience or knowledge of what they are speaking about. For example, I would be a cluebird if I were to write about how to defend against the Cover-2 defense or to talk about the stresses of making films, as I have no experience and no knowledge of such subjects) make what they throw at strippers and/or hookers on a nightly basis.
Okay, not all pro athletes throw money at strippers or hookers, but you get the point.

But for that matter, I seriously doubt god, if it truly exists or cares, would really waste its omnipotent or just simple power to help some human score a touchdown, when said powers could be used to clear up some serious issues such as famine, poverty, nuclear armament, fundamentalist extremism (of all faiths) et al.

Seriously, if god does exist as many have tried to lead me to believe, creating universes, creating quarks and spin particles and gas giants and galaxies and matter and time and space; to modify the thoughts of the great Carl Sagan: why the hell would it give a damn about some insignificant human on an insignificant blue rock orbiting a nondescript star on the outer edge of a relatively new galaxy?

I guess it works out this way.
But back to Jay Cutler.

So, I opened my web browser, typed in Jay Cutler in Google and I discovered this tidbit about Jay Cutler:

He's a 2-time Mr. Olympia! That has to mean something, because the Governator was a 7 time Mr. that means he's pretty ripped. That should stand for something since that might be an intimidation factor for the Bears offense.

Do you really want to screw with this guy? Seriously? Looks like he could put the lights out on Shawn Merriman...and he's clean! He has to be clean, since PED's are illegal in professional bodybuilding, or he would have never made it this far in his sport. Shawn Merriman though, after having to stop using steroids has completely fallen off the earth. I guess we know his source of aggression...

I'm not so sure that he'll head out in the field wearing a helmet and the speedo get-up, but somehow I'm sure the Bears will manage to modify his uniform and pads to emphasize his physique to scare the hell out of the opposition.

And if anyone has any questions, just imagine the Packers defense crapping their pants when Jay gets tired of their shit and flexes to show them that they really, really want no part of this.

Jay Cutler reminding the NFC North that he isn't going to
take their shit anymore by flexing his massive lats.
I'm still trying to figure out how Jay Cutler, who was a professional bodybuilder was originally acquired by the Denver Broncos and subsequently traded to the Chicago Bears for Kyle Orton and a couple of draft picks. But it looks like a win-win situation--the Broncos get a guy with a great neck beard that should fit in with the locals in Denver and they can manage to do something with the draft picks. I don't know what, but hey, we got a two-time Mr. Olympia!

But if the Bears really want to improve their chances of winning a Super Bowl before Jay Cutler retires (he's 35, so that might not be too far down the road), they should hire Pavel Tsatsouline as their strength coach, because he can probably de-wimpify Brian Urlacher from the guy who wont and can't shed a blocker to a machine that will break the blocker into to pieces and then juggle a couple of 2-pood kettlebells afterwards to ham it up for the crowd.

But then the NFL would ban Pavel and Russian Kettlebells from the NFL as they give an unfair performance edge over other teams. Or they could just get rid of the pointless 225 lb bench press test, 40 yard dash test, high jump test (mind you, in shorts, running shoes and all of that nifty sweat wicking technology from Under WE MUST PRO-TECT THIS HOUSSSSSSEEEEEE Armor) and use only kettlebell activities to prove manliness.

But hey, catching a football, running away from people who want to hurt you or going out of your way to hurt someone else as hard as you can is still very impressive to me. Almost as impressive as catching a huge wave at Cortez Banks.

Oh wait, being able to surf huge waves off Cortez Banks is much more impressive than anything any football player can do on the gridiron.
What's that? Oh, there's another Jay Cutler? And he's from Northern Kentucky? (definition: anywhere south of Lake County, but just before you get to Lowell in the state of Indiana.) Haven't the Bears learned their lessons about quarterbacks from Northern Kentucky? (See Grossman, Rex for further clarification)
I was really hoping to have a 2-time Mr. Olympia kicking some ass for the Chicago Bears, but I can always hold out for the Pavel hire...

1 comment:

joshscotth said...

You are horrendously mistaken, the jay cutler here is a bodybuilder, not the same as the football player.